Not the worst start to an interview I've ever had.

Answer the question, please.

Sure. I like a 90s throwback as much as the next job applicant, but this is too easy. Barney deserves much worse than a cosmetic makeover, but anyone who smells like Pearl Jam can't help but succeed while having a net positive impact on the planet.

Outside of a dog, what is man's best friend?

Anything that keeps you outside the dog.

Who would win in a fight: a 1969 Gibson Les Paul, or that sound your foot makes when you walk
in wet sneakers?

Ace Frehley always trumps Chuck Taylor, soggy or otherwise.

When did Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart become a free Mason?


Triangles: mark of the Illuminati, or misjudged polygon?

I don't know who you've been talking to, but there are no Illuminati, although Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart conceptually employed non-Euclidean triangles in the composition of his little known waltzes.

Please stay on topic. How would you stumble into town?

Just like a sacred cow.

What brings all the boys to the yard?

I could teach you, but I have to charge.

Can you hear them?

They talk about us.

Telling lies?

That's no surprise.

Are you listening to Los Angeles?

I have the podcast cued up on my smart phone.

Sorry, that's incorrect.

Keep them coming. I feel confident.

Would you wear a bow tie and fez?

Only if that and my lithe yet chiaroscurishly sculpted body make up the entire uniform.

Our uniform is actually a boa constrictor and a damp pancake with a chinstrap. Does that agree with you?

Is the pancake damp with maple syrup?

I'm asking the questions.

My apologies.

If you were smart--

Which I am.

What would you save up for?

A rock.

A rock?

Yes. To wind a piece of string around.

Are you the type of person who would wear a prosthetic forehead?

On my real head. But, everybody wants to wear prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.

At this point in the interview you have twenty seconds of open-ended exposition. Tell me what you want.

I want a feast.

Didn't you eat before you came to the interview?

I want a bean feast.

Oh, one of those.

Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake, with no nuts, so good you could go nuts! Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons--

Time's up. Thank you for your candor.

You're welcome.

If you were on a Paris train, where would you emerge?

London rain.


Except for a broken glass.

There goes my love?



Shoot it up.

Shoot it up?

Shoot it up.

Shoot it up?

Shoot it up.

Shoot it up.

Ultra violence--

Thank you. That will be all.

So, I've got the job.

No. The position was filled last week.

Perfect. I started yesterday.