You probably know your name but I don't. You don't really need me to tell it to you, so let's just get on with this note. You are not Andy or Jeramyiah, Julie, Tom, Smithy, Goose, Nigel, or Becky. They are perfectly fine housemates/renters. You are the other one. The one who isn't.

I do not appreciate you giving birth to alternate selves in the toilet that we share. If you do so, please wipe the surface of the porcelain clean. Remember to raise the lid to get underneath. I have no idea how that area gets so dirty, but it does. Trust me. I raise the lid and clean up after you every day. Yes, I know you are a woman. This was not a fact created by me but by God. Apparently God likes dust, grime, and wafting of such into seemingly impossible places. Such is His mysterious nature.

I will not fish out those alternate selves. Neither will I commit a sin against by flushing them to their deaths. I have bought a lock to put on the bathroom door to keep them from coming out into the house while you are gone, and there is only me here to deal with them. Please reimburse me for 13.95 by leaving it on the counter in a CLEAN envelope. If you give birth to another alternative self, and keep it for more than 3 days, bringing us up to 11 inhabitants AGAIN, you must pay an extra 10 dollars.

Your ability to continue subletting from me is contingent upon you paying attention to this note. This house only allows 10 people, besides me, by law, and no alternative selves are in your lease. Do you want the police to descend on me for having 11 people in this zone? Please initial it at the bottom right corner.

Please do not bring up at the town hall meetings about the alternate self issue. I do not want my name associated with anything in multiple.

Remember to join in on DIY night with scissors that are soft and rounded on the ends, not sharp. After what you did to the last note, I will be confiscating any sharp scissors I see on your person. This is a peaceful house and I intend to keep it that way.

You know what I've been through. If you don't remember, remind me to tell you AGAIN.
If you MUST give birth to them temporarily before sending them elsewhere immediately, alternate selves must be washed and dried in the sun, not in the dishwasher, nor the clothes dryer. Sigh.

Alternate selves do not get house votes. They do not get space in the freezer. Your turn for space in the refrigerator is coming up next month, so if you are on good behavior, you will enjoy that. Keep it up. You would have been up for that privilege this month if it weren't for the alternate self nonsense. I don't mince words. Mincing makes my throat hurt, and that won't do, now, will it?

Rent is due BY the 30th, not ON the 30th.

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