In the past you've had hard sell, soft sell, soft shoe and every imaginable song and dance to get you to buy products of every descripttion, presold, preshrunk, preowned, preconceived and in some instances predigested. You've had your sex lives and secret fears exploited, your statistical indices broken down, your emotional and intellectual makeup arranged, rearranged and prearranged, set out on a pan to rise like bread dough and baked flat, covered with whipping cream and manipulated like silly putty, you've had every possible variety of lie told to you outright or by devious means and you've lapped it all up. But has anybody dared to tell you the simple honest truth? NO! It took the genius of our agency to seize upon that untried, untested and unassailable principle in bringing our goods to YOU. You've been offered three for one, two for one and even one for one in desperate bids for your buck.
We offer simple value for money and a sales pitch you'd have to be an idiot not to appreciate. We are not pre-, post-, postpre or prepost-tested, paid, stamped or dated, we are not certified healthy (we are not), we do not claim to rearrange or transform out of recognition your life, which we understand you might value in its own right just as it is. We simply make an offer common sense and self-interest alike cannot refuse, must embrace, not the sexiest, manliest, grittiest, girliest, plushest, most robust and hearty, heartfelt, tender, gosh darn it all cute or stupid offer you've ever heard and couldn't get out of your head, why we're so confident you'll buy we didn't even write a jingle or license a video, instead we came up with a simple straighforward message guaranteed to appeal to the survivor in all of you.
That's right we'll kill you if you don't buy our product, let me rephrase that in a more positive way, we won't kill you if you do buy our product, well! our cards are all on the table, what could be fairer than that? judge yourself accordingly. Naturally this is a promise not a threat, we'd much rather have your money than your life, although to show we mean business we've preselected a number of targets for test sample elimination. You may already be one of these in which case disregard our message, sorry it had to be you, thanks for your cooperation in helping us get this campaign off to a roaring start.
Men, women, kids, all ages, all sizes even infants in the cradle. Naturally their folks will have to do the buying, these are heavy-duty, heavy expense items not taken on lightly so get to work on your parents kids if you want to stay healthy and yo! parents. Don't just think of yourself. Maybe you're tired of living, but your innocent chidren? How do you know there isn't a better world just around the corner for them to be healthier and happier in than you've ever dreamed? We wouldn't dream of interfering, we want a better or at least not a worse world than almost anyone, after all it's our world too and even more so. Buy our product or your kids may never have a chance to find that out.
What? you say what we're doing's illegal? not a chance, a reputable company like us? You've got to be kidding! read it and weep, a pre-issued, prestamped, prelegitimated (through legislative test) license to kill, the first ever issued any corporate sales body and by prearrangement the last. Sort of simplifies the paperwork on all those hostile takeovers, but above all it allows us to make and keep our simple promise to YOU.
Immoral? well you're getting into a grey philosophical area there. Who knows what's really right or wrong in this best or possibly worst of all possible worlds which we didn't make, so take up any complaints with the original manufacturer no way! we didn't make it even the teensy weensiest bit like it is today, but we would have to be fools---don't you agree?---not to exploit these highly fertile dog-eat-dog, cat-eat-cat, ladybug-eat-ladybug conditions. We didn't make the world a horrorshow, we just protect our interests in keeping it keeping on.
We'll kill you if you don't buy our product. Don't make us prove that by eliminating your loved ones one by one until you cry uncle and buy anyway, just with that many fewer loved ones on the credit side of your living ledger. We don't want to kill anybody, but we will, naturally, to protect our interests. Wouldn't you? if someone were threatening your loved ones, your livelihood, the special comforts and privileges that make your existence bearable in this sad vale of tears? Of course you would, so we understand each other. If enough of you don't buy our product, all of us, thousands, millions, will be out of work, out of hope, out of luck, destitute, forlorn, forgotten, blown by desperate winds on the desolate desert sands of time. You can appreciate that we simply mustn't allow that to happen, and what better way of bringing that home to you than by making it a matter of as intimate importance to you as it is to us?
Think about it: you may imagine we're kidding, but in your heart don't you know we're not? Especially when we assure you with all the sincerity we're capable of (plus a huge residual supply we've imported for the occasion) we're in dead earnest, we're even picking our words with minute care to emphasize the point. We've had fun times before, we will again if you take us seriously this once. If you're not our friend on this one (cash, cheque or plastic will do) you're our enemy. Simple? you bet! We'll kill you if you don't buy our product. Memorize these words, they're the most important you'll ever hear in a commercial message. We'll kill YOU if you don't buy this product, and the consequences be on your head. Treat this message as if your life depended on it because hey! what can we tell you? it does.