B. Drew Collier

Random Samples from Instant Messaging Logs

In addition to the degree of freedom offered by online social networks (as compared with face-to-face interaction), which encourages casual discussion of taboo subjects such as unconventional sexual fantasies, the self-reflexive nature of the IM "handle" and the persistent tail of conversation as it progresses down the screen produce a secondary subconscious conversation that lingers like an echo of the initial discharge of objective meaning.

Button4Luv: All I'm asking is a little variety. How about some George Michael?
U know it hz 2B George Michael AND Andrew Ridgeley!!!
Button4Luv: Right.
If there's no WHAM! there's no wham.
GRLiJSTwrk4U: Evry1s got a fetish
They only released three albums. That's what 24 songs?
GRLiJSTwrk4U: WRNG! 36 w remixes & bootlegs
Button4Luv: Look, I can only listen to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" so many times before I want to rip someone's throat out.
SOME 1s throat?
U mean me
GRLiJSTwrk4U: UR such a btch

GRLiJSTwrk4U has signed off.

        . . .

I'm flattered, really, but I don't have sex anymore.
I<3MySpork: crsly?
ÅngstRömAntic: Yeah.
I've got…ummm
I<3MySpork: wt?
I<3MySpork: micropenis?
I<3MySpork: STD?
I<3MySpork: chronic gas?
I<3MySpork: square butthole?
ÅngstRömAntic: LOL
ÅngstRömAntic: No
ÅngstRömAntic: *sigh*
ÅngstRömAntic: very peculiar tastes.
I<3MySpork: rly
I<3MySpork: like wt?
ÅngstRömAntic: Invisible things turn me on.
I<3MySpork: like...air?
ÅngstRömAntic: No, not air. 
It's too...all over the place.
I<3MySpork: nlightn me.
ÅngstRömAntic: When I was sixteen, my old man gave me a hard time because I didn't date.
ÅngstRömAntic: he thought I was gay.
I<3MySpork: honest mstk
ÅngstRömAntic: Sit and Spin
I<3MySpork:   :-p
ÅngstRömAntic: Mom found a stash of Wonder Woman comics under my mattress when she was cleaning and my old man figured I was waiting around for the all-American mammaries to come crashing through my bedroom window.
ÅngstRömAntic: "Ya know, son, women in real-life don't have tits like that."
I<3MySpork: a tlk i m glad i mssd
He let it drop. I didn't argue with him.
I<3MySpork: but Wonder Woman s not nvsble
I<3MySpork:   ?
ÅngstRömAntic: Her jet is.

        . . .

Really Stefan, it is OK if you want to eat in bed.
WasWillDasWeib: Food can be sexy.
NEVAICA: right
NEVAICA: oysters...
NEVAICA: strawberries n chocolate...
NEVAICA: whipped cream
WasWillDasWeib: Sure.
NEVAICA: but its only lunchables that do it for me
WasWillDasWeib: Lunchables?
NEVAICA: small individually wrapped containers w meat cheese n crackers
NEVAICA: its like…innocent baby food things snug in their little homes
NEVAICA: and I rip em out and chew em up
WasWillDasWeib: I see.
NEVAICA: do you?
WasWillDasWeib: I think you are transferring your rape fantasy.
WasWillDasWeib: But I am cool with that.
WasWillDasWeib: I will even dress up in a plaid skirt and let you tie me to the bed.
WasWillDasWeib: Stefan?
WasWillDasWeib: Are you there?
NEVAICA: u r sick

NEVAICA has signed off.

        . . .

I don't get it, Marty
TOK715: I bathe in motor oil, feign the emotional distance of a Vulcan, and make every movement as deliberate as a chess game
TOK715: I can't be MORE like a robot woman!
JOHNCONNOR351: Cyborg!
JOHNCONNOR351: living tissue over metal endoskeleton.
TOK715: Whatever
TOK715: Still does not compute
JOHNCONNOR351: It's not you.
TOK715: You told me I was the best sex you've ever had
JOHNCONNOR351: It's not the sex!
TOK715: What is it then?
JOHNCONNOR351: I got a date with Summer Glau.
TOK715: You're shitting me!
TOK715: fuck
TOK715: i never saw that coming